Hitlers gonna hitl
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HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
wtf is an acronym
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Does your wife know you’re single?
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”