hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
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[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
nobody’s gonna understand
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?