@Madrass_badsass: I don't friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

@brycoo: [HR office] Do you know why we called you in today? To give me a pay rise? No. Because I googled 'How to burn down office' 600 times? Yes.

@robfee: If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.

@kaz474: Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.

@therealeatwood: JONATHAN EDWARDS: God abhors a sinner and holds him over the flames of hell like some loathsome insect LOATHSOME INSECT: Wow I’m right here