I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
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I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Yoga Matt
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO