@mcclure111: America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY "Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?" No that's socialism "19-20?" SOCIALISM

@EyeSeeYou619: Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.

@therealeatwood: BAD COP: Throw the book at him. GOODREADS COP: OK! Check out Ruby, the beautiful and devastating debut novel by Cynthia Bond. ★★★½

@cogentanalysis: "I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won't want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!" - cats

@imlaurenmcguire: I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.