Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
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The 4 stages of a family vacation
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn