Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
You Might Also Like
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I’ve had relationships like this
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy