*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
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*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze