Oh we’ve met.
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]