You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
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Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”