Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
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Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”