*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
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Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
One of the best
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer