*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
this post was so formative to me
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.