*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.