*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home