[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
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An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
pelicons
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]