[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
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Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis