[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?