Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
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Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow