fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
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This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.