@walks_on_legs: Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I'll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!
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@SirEviscerate: Ghost cat: how'd you die? Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down GC: i got hit by a car GD: I know GC: ilu
@BlindChow: *man choking* Is there a doc in the house? *Dr Pepper rises* *searches man's pockets* Hey ur no doctor! *moustache falls off* *it's Mr Pibb*
@leslid79: I wish there was a show called "Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous" so we could all see how nice your mom's basement is.
@AsgardianRose: Me: Why don't I have a boyfriend? God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak. Me: Ah. That's right. Gross.