I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Found the job I’m suited for
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Can’t stop laughing
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies