*me flirting
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[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Tremendous stuff
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
God has left this place
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening