Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
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When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time