Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
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🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Check out the legs on this baby
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps