Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking