If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
worst…sale…ever
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours