Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?