hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
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*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.