hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
You Might Also Like
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
A small tragedy.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected