ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
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Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
and this one
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*