HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
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About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
OMG 🤣🤣
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.