hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Möther may I have a snäck
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!