Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
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I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Looking at you, Jesus.
#NeverForget
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
so i’m at the stock market right
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life