@DurtMcHurtt: Hobos are like cats, they'll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
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@schmittsteve: - Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth. - Vhere, here? - No... - Here? - No, just go look in- - GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
@ImSoFrancis: Food just tastes better upside-down 1. upside-down cake 2. hamburgers 3. not cereal tho 4. oh no cereal is everywhere 5. why did I do this
@NicestHippo: It's disturbing that when we see a man's mustache fall off we assume it's an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
@XplodingUnicorn: I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.