Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
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Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.