Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
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“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Eat…
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.