Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
In banana years, I am bread.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.