@anbrll00: Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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@Prof_Peejay: Her:"What do you do?" Me:"I teach astronomy." Her:"OMG!! I'm a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?" Me:"Yes, you'll go home alone tonight."
@_NTFG_: I'm not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new "selfie sticks" for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
@ibid78: *opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead* If you're here then.. [cut to kid bursting through a wall like 'oh yeah']
@BuckyIsotope: Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.