Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
all bases covered
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.