Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
good morning
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?