“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
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Bread puns are on the rise!
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
From my Mom
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs