Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
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12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.