Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
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[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
A small tragedy.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no