Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it