Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
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Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.