Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
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(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.