How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
The honesty is refreshing
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”