@andreeahluscu: HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.
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@freezingsheep: If I hear a bang when I'm driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier. Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
@TheHyyyype: [paying at chipotle] ME: i got a burrito CLERK: that'll be ten dollars ME: with guac CLERK: that'll be ten thousand dollars