Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
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A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
boat question
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past