Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week