the clam before the storm
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establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before