Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
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Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
What the hell is going on?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.