I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
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“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
estão todos miauvindo?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz