[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
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Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
#Caturday
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”