*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
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Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”